9 Months In, 9 Months Out

So here we are - it has been awhile - and the sweet baby girl we had been anticipating is now rolling around the floor, clapping her hands, and giving big toothy smiles.

She is absolutely the best.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and whereas I know I am busy (first time trying to keep another human alive 24/7) I am also very aware of the fact that I could be doing so much more. I seem to have a hard time keeping up with this website and I’m not sure why. I definitely have time to write more often. I think the tough part has been figuring out how, exactly, I want this platform to function. Is a journal of life abroad? Is it an art store? Is it a recipe database? I enjoy doing all of those things, but I think in the attempt to do all of those things, I’m having a hard time sticking with it. Often I don’t know where to start, and I end up procrastinating because I feel like I have to deliver on so many levels. Additionally, my crippling fear of failure looms over this entire project. I want this to get out into the world and have people read it and connect with the stories, or use it as a resource. But when I have time during the day to write and focus on this, I automatically back-burner it with a lazy lame-ass, “well there’s no point in trying if no one’s going to read it” attitude. I know my family and friends read this. And I’m glad they enjoy it. But secretly, in my heart of hearts, I want this to be bigger.

I think it is important to acknowledge what I want, what I fear, and to not hide behind the mantle of not caring. I care.

And here’s the thing. I can deliver on all of those levels. I love writing. I love painting. I love baking and I …like… cooking. I am capable of so many things, and I owe it to myself to start accomplishing them.

I can’t be so afraid of failure that I’m not willing to try my best.